The 4 Types of Love – Philia
A man who has friends must himself be friendly. But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 18:24
We are kicking off this month with a series about LOVE. There are 4 main types of love that we see in Scripture: Philia (friendship love), Eros (romantic love), Storge (family love), and Agape (God’s love). There is so much to unpack with each type of love, so we are going to take the next few weeks to focus on each one individually.
Today, we will look at philia – (pronounced: FILL-ee-uh) which is the brotherly/friendship love. It is the type of intimate, friendship love we see in the Bible that should be shared amongst Christian brothers and sisters.
It is such a blessing to have good, close, trustworthy friends. These are people who do life with us, who walk alongside us through the thick and thin. They pick us up when we are down, the speak truth to us (even when we don’t want to hear it.) They rejoice when we rejoice and weep when we weep. In good times and bad, a close friend is down for the ride. This type of love is a gift from the Lord. He lavishes His love on us through the depth and connection of a good and faithful friend.
“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”
Proverbs 27:17
One function of a good friend is that God uses us to sanctify one another and grow together in Christ likeness. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” This picture of ironing sharpening iron is really powerful. Left alone, iron will become dull and is rendered useless. But when iron is used to sharpen another iron, both vessels become improved and better equipped for the work that they were created for. God wants to use our friendships to sanctify us, to keep us accountable, and to bring us encouragement in our walk with God. This sharpening amongst friends is one of ways the Lord facilitates our journey towards righteousness. The key to experiencing this aspect of friendship is humility and a sense of submissiveness to one another in the relationship. We have to be willing to be vulnerable, teachable and humble enough to receive the “sharpening” when it comes. It’s true, that these moments don’t always feel good in the moment, but they are necessary and effective to help improve our lives, if we let them. Personally, I have had friends who sharpen me, simply by their example of Christlikeness, which is a beautiful thing. “Spurring one another on towards love and good works” as the writer of Hebrews so eloquently puts it. And then there is another type of sharpening that can take place in the form of direct, grace-filled, correction. This one can feel a little more painful, but when we are in a healthy relationship with someone who genuinely loves us and wants the best for us, we can trust that their intentions are for our good and His glory. In those moments, we have the opportunity to receive their reproof with a humble and teachable heart. This is what sharpening is all about.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”
Proverbs 17:17
Proverbs 17:17 says “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” When I think about this verse, it reminds me of the times that I’ve really needed friends to walk through the fire with me. There have been numerous occasions where my close friends have listened to me vent and process the hard things I’ve faced; they have spent countless hours listening to me and giving wise counsel in my times of need. (Thanks girls.) This is one of the functions of philia we see in Scripture; that we would have a friend to walk through the difficulties of life with us; to help us process the ugly parts of life and to assure us that we are not alone. We all need that type of friend.
“After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself… and Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself”
1 Samuel 18:1-3
Another aspect of philia love that we see in scripture is a special DEPTH of relationship that can be established between friends. We see this clearly exemplified in the friendship that David and Jonathan shared: their very souls were knit together. After the battle with Goliath, King Saul decided to keep David in his service. During this time, David became very close friends with Saul’s son Jonathan. 1 Samuel 18 says that they “became ONE in spirit…” and they even made a covenant with one another before God. This type of friendship is rare but SUCH an incredible blessing to have in our lives. These are the friends that go above and beyond sharpening and walking through life together. This is where two people share a binding love, they bear one another burdens, and they have a level of commitment to one another that unites them deeply to one another. In the case of David and Jonathan, they even made a covenant before the Lord, so that the Lord Himself would bind them together and be in their midst. I love this picture. God knitted their very souls to one another’s. With Christ at the center of their covenant love for each other, their bond was not easily broken. I have had friends like this, and they are an absolute treasure to me. There is a sense of realness, and a depth of love that is a safe place for my heart. They are people you can truly count on, people who bear their very souls with you and you with them. This unity and oneness of spirit is a rare and special gift. Every David, needs a Jonathan.
Sister in Christ, as we wrap up this week, I am praying for you. I pray that you already have these types of friendships in your life. I pray that your relationships are healthy and robust and a source of joy and sharpening for you. And if you don’t have solid Christian friends to do life with, I am praying that you would do the work necessary to develop them. We are not meant to do life alone. We need one another. We are made for community and without it, our ministry can be hindered, our sanctification will be slowed, and our lives will be less fulfilled. I encourage you: find and invest in these types of friendships, and be this kind of friend to someone else. It takes courage and vulnerability, but it’s so worth it.